fear

After surgery there’s still a lot to be afraid of. Complications, infections, etc. I find myself worried if I hurt my incision, or damaged my hernia repair. I find myself wondering when the pain will go away and I will be normal again. I worry about my bowel movements, are they normal? I worry about the opiates and muscle relaxers they have me on, and the big red interaction warning I saw when I put them into a drug interaction checker website… that they could cause coma or death. I worry that I might take one and forget and take one again, and stop breathing like a dear friend of mine did… a terrible mistake that ended her life. I worry that I may end up addicted to opiates which could be life-destroying. I’ve seen that happen to another friend. I worry about the dizziness that I feel when I walk. I worry about falling in the shower. I worry about side effects of medicine. I worry about being home alone. I worry about the blood and whatever else just started oozing from my umbilical incision, even though the doctor said it’s ok. A person really can find endless things to worry about.

I’m so sick of worry. If I really gave my life to Christ then it doesn’t belong to me. It’s not mine to worry about. If He wants me to live then I will. Worrying, or not worrying, doesn’t change anything.

Luke 12:25 says “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?”

Answer: No one!

But worrying or not worrying can determine how miserable we are. Worry robs us of our joy.

If God decides I will live, then I will live. I have no doubt about that. This was true even before cancer, so really nothing has changed. The fact that I survived all the stupid mistakes of my youth and still draw breath into my lungs now is just a testament to God’s mercy.

We will all die. We don’t know when, and we don’t know how. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. Doctors can talk about statistics, and survival rates, percentages, etc… but the reality is that 100% of us are going to die. Even if you have a great chance of surviving whatever disease you have, you still could be killed in an accident. We aren’t even guaranteed the time the doctors think we might have. Should we spend the precious time we have worrying? That is not living.

I want to live. Regardless of how much time I have left, I want to live. I want to worry less and love more. My life is in God’s hands. It’s His. I gave it to Him. He will decide. I still believe that God has better plans than I do. If those plans mean I will be here, then I want to spend my time loving the people around me. If those plans mean I will be there with Him, then that’s wonderful too. I will either be here with my loved ones, or there with Him. I love my family, and I really hope and pray that I will get to have a lot more time here on earth with them. But if I go, I’m going to the arms of God. I believe God will choose whats best for me. I know God loves me. And if God chose to allow cancer to bring me closer to Him, then praise God.

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